"A ridiculous family of genius, hilarious, irresistible music makers, currently crowd-surfing to the bar all over the great county of Yorkshire and beyond, into the venues and music festivals of the UK. Long may they rock... but gently"
Eliza Carthy MBE
Multi-Award Winning Folk-Musician
"Despite their plain and rather ordinary appearance, they are actually completely nuts. They are legends in their own tank-tops."
TV presenter (National Geographic's/Channel 4's Car S.O.S.) & former drummer
with 'Pop Will Eat Itself', 'The Wonder Stuff' & 'Nine Inch Nails'
"Oh man! You guys look crazier than us!"
Frontman of six-time Grammy winners, 'The Flaming Lips'
MEET THE BAND...
NAME: Scott Doonican
FUNCTION: Vocals, Geetar, Ukulele, Banjulele, Kazoo, Omnichord, Crowd-Surfing
LIKES: Anything that makes him drunk, but doesn't give him a hangover
DOESN'T LIKE: Hangovers or sprouts (in either order - and certainly not together!)
FAVOURITE TREE: The Larch
DISTINGUISHING MARKS: Handsome
AMBITIONS: To find something that makes him drunk but doesn't give him a hangover.
STRANGE BUT TRUE: Although the Doonican's all love their stylish knit-wear, as a child Scott had a hatred of tank-tops because his mum made him awful home-made ones because she didn’t know how to knit sleeves to make a full jumper!
By a series of circumstances, none of which he is prepared to divulge, "until the book and movie rights are completely sewn-up," as he so eloquently puts it himself, Scott Doonican arrived somehow in Barnsley Rock City, and within the blinking of an eye had established himself as an intellectual, all-round athlete, celebrated man of opinion, and possibly the greatest entertainer of a generation, if not in the history of the entire planet.
This quiet, self-effacing man, this deep, windswept and interesting individual, who numbers amongst his hobbies, a hairnet collection of breathtaking magnitude, has not changed a bit since the early days of the band. In a typical self-mocking way, he attributes his success to a natural talent and a lifetime of exceptionally hard work and dedication.
As The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican's outspoken frontman, Scott is a debonair and theatrical performer with a half thought-out plan and a mouth with a mind of its own. Can you trust him? To be silly, yes. To be a gob-shite, yes. To behave, hell no. Like a bus conductor standing in front of an orchestra with a spoon in one hand and a pint in the other, he is quite clearly here for a good time, not a long time. He claims to have formed the band in 2006, "to fuse the theatrical stage antics of Freddie Mercury with the comedy of Mike Harding, in order to form the world's greatest folk-band in knitwear".
There is an element on uncertainty about all of the above, but the rest, as we say, is history.
Ringleader, Head Honcho, Maker of Mischief, Jesus in a tank-top, Eejit
NAME: Björn Olaf Ulf Ingemar Fria Doonicansson
FUNCTION: Tenor Banjo, Mandolin, Fiddle, Bouzouki, Guitar, Vocals
PLACE OF BIRTH: Hurdy Gurdy
(a goat-herding village on the outskirts of Gothenburg, Sweden)
LIKES: The Volvo 240 GLE
DOESN'T LIKE: Assembling flat-pack furniture
FAVOURITE BAND: ABBA (obviously!)
FAVOURITE TV COOK: The Swedish Chef
AMBITIONS: To one day persuade Sweden to make 'The Final Countdown' by Europe their new National Anthem.
STRANGE BUT TRUE: After a heavy night of drinking, Björn once ordered a copy of 'The Communist Manifesto'
via Amazon Prime. He forgot until he was rudely awakened by the postman the following morning!
Apparently "It's a good read".
Our European Correspondent
Born in the small village of Hurdy Gurdy, on the outskirts of Gothenburg, Björn Doonicansson was raised on a small goat farm by his mother Elsa Födda-Fria. As a young boy she told him stories of his father; an energetic, dashing and debonair tourist from the Emerald Isle. Their brief encounter in the late 1990s, left her with fond memories of Aisle 37 in Gothenburg's Ikea store, and splinters from a Billy bookcase.
As the years passed, the young Björn had dreams of playing in Sweden's Royal Stockholm Philharmonic Orchestra and travelling the world. However, after 5 minutes of trying really hard, he gave up and decided to become a tenor banjo player instead. Shortly after, at the age of only fifteen, Björn happened upon a video by South Yorkshire eclectic folk sensations 'The Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican' on Youtube.
Everything he had suspected about his questionable genealogy, slotted into place. After this life-changing and extraordinary discovery, Björn sent the band an e-mail via their website, bravely packed his bags, and boarded the first plane to England in a quest to meet his long-lost brethren. After arriving at Robin Hood airport in Doncaster, and after a quick train ride, Björn Doonicansson rolled into Barnsley, where his siblings were waiting to take their newly-found younger brother on the road.
The rest, as we say, is history.
NAME: Alan Doonican
HAIR: Ginger (er... it's strawbery blonde, actually!!)
FUNCTION: Accordion & Keyboard Fingerer, Keytar Wizard, Ukulele Player of Ill Repute,
Master Story-Teller, Eye-Candy of the Band, Vocals
LIKES: Festivals and easy access to a stage door
DOESN'T LIKE: Venues with rubbish parking facilities
FAVOURITE BICYCLE: The Raleigh Chopper Mk. I
HOBBIES: Has an extensive collection of Uri Gellar's bent forks
AMBITIONS: To give Donald Trump a decent hair-cut rather than a dead animal on his head.
STRANGE BUT TRUE: Alan Doonican is the only other Bar-Steward Son ever to be have been called Alan.
The New #2, Sex Symbol, Fashion Icon, Organ Tickler
Contrary to popular belief, on a momentus day in 1978, Louise Brown was not actually the world's first 'Test-Tube Baby'. Unknown to to the general public, this pioneering medical advance had been given something of a 'test-run' by physiologist Robert Geoffrey Edwards & embryologist Alan Frank Eisenstein a whole twenty-six years earlier, in 1952. The early days of what would become known in the future as 'in-vitro fertilisation', was not the exact science that it is today.
Nevertheless, two dizygotic twin brothers from the same mother and an anonymous donor from the Emerald Isle, were the product of these early experiments. The product of Mr Eisenstein's first petri-dish (labelled ALAN#1) featured some genetic abnormalities, and the second petri-dish (labelled ALAN#2) was placed in a cryogenic freezer for 16 years until more was known about how to correct the defects, and enhance the overall aesthetics.
As a result, Alan Doonican #2, was born in 1968 and raised by adoptive parents, pentecostal preachers from near Chesterfield in Derbyshire. He toured the southern hemisphere for most of his young adult life as an accomplished self-taught bra-unhooker, until his early thirties, when, as part of the all-star cabaret on a rather down-market cruise of the upper reaches of the Amazon, he was snatched, and subsequently sold to river pirates, as a white slave, to an organ grinder on a passing Spanish Man O'War.
After a very daring and successful escape attempt, and with his organ only half ground, Alan managed to join a troupe of long distance accordion players who were working their way through art school. They later settled in Barnsley, where Alan spent many happy years yodeling, doing part-time modelling work for Kays Catalogue, and absorbing the intricacies of the piano accordion, an instrument on which he has since become something of a legend.
Sadly, his 'creator', Sir Alan Eisenstein passed away in September 2014, and, after the execution of his will, Alan's true-identity as the world's second test-tube baby, was revealed. After this shocking revelation, his predecessor, Alan Doonican #1 chose, at the funeral, to pass the baton (and his tank-top) to his newly-found younger sibling. On assuming his role in Yorkshire's hardest working comedy band, Alan #2 also took on the extra pressure of becoming the 'Eye-Candy of the Band' from that day to now, which is no mean feat, we can tell you.
The rest, as we say, is history!